by Charles Wansbrough
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Patient – Female
DOB - 4/12/46
Breast Cancer discovered
some 6 months ago; patient had gone through a treatment of chemotherapy and
radiotherapy over a period of a few months, and she came to me just a few weeks
after she had finished this allopathic treatment, thinking she might benefit
from homeopathic treatment.
She had a small
lump removed from the top right hand corner of her right breast. But she also
mentioned that all her problems seem to gravitate towards the right side of
her body. She had some arthritic type pains in her right shoulder, a stiff neck
on her right side, and arthritis in the right knee.
This was excellent,
she loved ‘fry ups’ of bacon and eggs, no salt but she drank milk quite often
and had suffered from heartburn and acidity in her stomach for years, which
she controlled with the milk and anti-acids.
She is warm-blooded,
cannot stand the sun, and never sunbathes; she rarely has the heating on and
the damp can affect the arthritis in her right knee.
She has suffered
from a stammer over many years which she managed to overcome some two years
ago by singing in choirs. She does not stammer now, at least very rarely, but
recalls that she thinks this stammer started at the early age of five when she
had an attack of rheumatic fever and from that time onwards she developed this
stammer which she found to be deeply embarrassing and at times felt that she
could be swallowed by the earth. She
learnt from an early age to create what she called highly evolved ‘avoidance
strategies’ which allowed her to go on to do a B.A. in education. But from an
early age she had to develop strategies that helped her avoid reading in front
of large groups.
Her tongue seemed
to twist up into a knot and she would end up screaming at times to overcome
this terrible stammer.
Her family and
mother were very warm and affectionate and though she stuttered even with her
mother over many years she has always been very close to her mother who is now
95 years of age.
She works in a
bookshop and runs a restaurant both of which she found difficult till her stammer
cleared some two years ago and though it was not traumatic she use to develop
avoidance strategies on the phone to avoid being caught out if she would go
into a terrible stutter and though she managed well in the bookshop she developed
modes of coping with her disability.
Her domestic life
was also traumatic. She married a violent, dominant and abusive partner by whom
she had two children and tolerated the relationship for fifteen years for the
sake of the children, but when
children left school she left her children and came to London. She again managed
to hide all these problems from most of her family and especially her mother,
and is very frightened to returning to her home town in the North of England
for fear of meeting her ex-partner who she feels would kill her if she met him.
But at the same
time that her marriage was terrible, she said in her words ‘ there was a part
of her soul that her husband could never touch’ and that she would nurse secretly
in the hope of gaining freedom.
Today she has more
trauma from her own daughters who dislike her new boyfriend who has helped her
set up in London and given her enormous help in those years of separation from
her former partner, but though she tries to smooth the waters, her daughters
are very antagonistic towards the whole affair.
She is now in the
process of doing a literary degree and teaching her to do some part-time writing.
I asked to elaborate on her ‘avoidance strategy’
and she said that avoidance for her had
become an art form, she deliberately avoided any situations that might force
her out into the open and put herself at a disadvantage. She deliberately avoided
any situations that would cause her any form of embarrassment; she refused to
go to any places that would show her stammer up i.e. dinner parties or social
gatherings so that no-one might discover her secret and in her own words ‘ developed
secrecy and hiding to an art form’.
She said that she
was tremendously wilful but was not good at confronting situations and tended
to create avoidance strategies around any problems that arose.
Her main fear is
of woodlice though she could not offer any insight into this particular fear.
Her dreams all
revolve around large houses in dark streets with big steps and secret rooms
that remind her of a town like the confusion of Babel, many secrets that cannot
be discovered . This is a particularly poignant dream that reoccurs every few
months, and has been reoccurring for years. The principal dream, has always
been the same one - there has been this house with a beautiful stream at the
back but there has always been a secret room in the house that she have never
used.
After taking the
case, it was obvious to me, that the whole flavour of the case was one that
I felt I had never before come across in my years of practise. The patient was
delightful and charming and quite open in a naïve sort of way nevertheless she
seemed to have concentrated on hiding herself to an inordinate degree.
I took the following
rubrics:
SECRETIVE
HIDE desire to
COMPANY separate
from society, desire to be
(all found in Animal
Mind, Human Voices by Nancy Herrick)
‘After the remedy
on day two in the afternoon I was walking by the Leeds/Liverpool canal.
I recall that I had such a feeling - I was laughing at loud.
Had great openness and felt very powerful and strong. Felt really happy
in the way I was delivering my opinion to the person I was with. I said “Look at me! Can
you see me!” This feeling lasted
an hour or so. Felt so good expressing
my opinion, that what I was saying was valid and strong. Energy went up because I started work again and a lot of other
things. I don’t want now to fall
into the same trap. I no longer
need afternoon naps. Can express
myself but still fear confrontation. Far
from being totally well.’
‘My reoccurring dream has now changed about
the house with a hidden room, and oddly enough recently anyway I dreamt about
being in the house and it was different.
There was something different about the room.
I don’t know whether it was that the room wasn’t there or whether it
was that the room was different. But
there was definitely something different about the room and this recurring dream
I’ve had for years and years and years.
It has always been the same one, there has been this house with a beautiful
stream at the back but there has been this secret room that I haven’t been using.
But recently I don’t know why I had the dream and I was in the house
but it was different but I can’t remember what was different about it.’
1st Appointment – 17/11/99
P:
I had breast CA and had an operation – a lumpectomy.
‘I had 6 months of chemotherapy then 6 weeks of radiotherapy.
My treatment has now finished and whilst I would like to think oh good
that’s all in the past, hurrah, I have 2 sisters with breast CA, one of whom
is on her 4th recurrence so I don’t want to be in the situation of
thinking oh good jolly dee that
is all in the past, back to the living it up, and one thing and another.
I would like to maintain the life style which I have developed over the
last 9 months whilst being ill and take more care of myself because I don’t
think I have ever really done that. And
being ill made me look at myself a lot more.
Because if you do get an illness which is serious it really makes you
stand back and say well you know you might not live until the end of the year,
so what do you really think about life.
It really makes you do that.’
H:
Which breast was affected?…
P:….Right. Everything which I have had wrong with me, or
which seems to be the case over the years, has always been in this area.
I have had a right frozen shoulder and I still have to a certain extent,
I have always had a bit of stiffness around the right area of my neck and I
can’t mix cakes like I used to do and this has been a couple of years now, my
right arm has been fairly weak. So
it is all in the one area.
H:
And did you have any feelings around why you developed the Cancer?
P:
I don’t take the victim approach.
I don’t think I have done something in my life which has been so bad
and so therefore I have Cancer. I
am not that sort of person and I wouldn’t do that.
I think a lot of the time it is the luck of the draw.
Some people get it and some people don’t. I would say that my diet has radically changed since
getting it because I have seen a nutritionist and she has told me to eat more
of this and less of that and one thing and another.
So I must say that I hadn’t been on a massively healthy diet but then
who is apart from people who are really aware and you often only become aware
when you become really ill and have to become aware unless you are some sort
of health fanatic. But most people
eat just normal things which they buy in the supermarket. So I don’t take the approach that it was something in my life
which I was doing which made me get Cancer.
I don’t take that approach at all.
As I say, my two sisters have had it.
H:
And your mother?
P:
My mother is very healthy at 94.
Her mother had ovarian Cancer
We are six children in the family and 3 of us have had Cancer
H:
So you say that the Cancer was a sort of wake-up call for you.
What has been revealed to you about your life?
P:
Oh that I was going on a massively downward spiral.
H:
Ok, tell me about that.
P:
I was managing a book shop – I still work at the bookshop -
but now I only work two days a week as the head book seller.
Before I was the manager. I
was working 5 days a week, 8 hours a day.
If anyone was ill at the weekend or they couldn’t manage to come in,
one had to go in as the manager. So
maybe I would be working 5.5 or 6 days a week.
And I was going out a lot with the staff or with friends.
I was living a life style which I really wasn’t up to keeping up with
and I never had any time for myself, what I would call “Mary time”.
One of the directors – well the director’s wife – was for some reason
giving me a really hard time. She
kept coming in and I wasn’t being very good at dealing with it.
I was ok at dealing with the staff and dealing with her husband and dealing
with the business, but for some reason I couldn’t deal with her.
Now since I have become ill this woman has been so, well I would call
it fawning; she comes to see me with flowers, she gives me spiritual healing,
she calls me “darling” and it has just been really weird.
But in the past this woman has been jealous of me—but now she just can’t
do enough for me. But at the time,
about a year ago, we were having a really hard time with each other in the shop.
She was coming in with her ways, the way she used to manage.
H:
She used to manage the shop?
P:
Yes for her husband. I was
the first manager after her. Because
of the babies, she left.
H:
So presumably she felt ousted by you?
P:
Well I would imagine so but I didn’t see it like that. I just let myself get stressed.
And I had no time for myself and all that kind of thing.
And I can’t say that that caused the Cancer but…
H:
Explain in more depth why you couldn’t get on.
P:
Well I have never really liked her as a friend because I have always
had these odd memories of her doing strange things to me.
I mean I actually got an invite to her wedding in the end but before
I got the invite I got this really strange photograph. In the shop I didn’t think I knew how to deal with her as a
director and a woman. I am not
sure really. I have never been
in this situation before of managing something and having someone interfering
all the time. She was a little
bit of a bully I would say. Whereas
her husband is the major owner of the business and also director.
But with him I could phone him up and say I have got a problem and he
would come and see me and he would have a meeting and it would be fine.
But, for some reason with her, it was always difficult and she would
always try to get in first in this creamy way she has of smoothing things over
and there is a sting in the tail. I
don’t know, I am sorry, but I can’t really say why I didn’t get on with her.
Maybe because we are very different.
I am very direct and I find it very hard to skirt around an issue.
In a way I am fairly …I don’t actually see nuances of things or subtleties.
I don’t actually notice those in people.
I don’t often get irony or jokes or things like that.
A person would actually say something as a joke or they are being sarcastic,
and I would say “Oh, really, is that true?” I would think why bother joking.
H:
You take things at face value?
P:
Yes. I am not very subtle.
H:
So what were your feelings around that time?
Were you suppressing anger?
P:
Suppressing anger, certainly.
H:
You felt like killing her?
P:
No, I never get that angry. I
never swear, never shout. Never
get angry. I used to think that
I ought to take assertiveness classes.
H:
So you never get angry.
P:
No, I never shout. I have
never shouted at anyone, ever. I
hardly ever swear. So I don’t think
I am doing that well at explaining this…
H:
No, it’s fine. So you were
feeling quite a lot of anger around this woman.
P:
Yes. There was no fear. None whatsoever.
H:
So it must have been difficult because she was the director…
P:
Yes, there was nothing I could do.
H:
She had authority over you.
P:
Yes and she would say every time she saw me if there are any problems
you speak to me, and she used to say that every time we met. And I have known her for 8 years.
H:
So tell me about your childhood.
P:
Mother was the strong one. Father
was illiterate. He was a very kind
man, very gentle, did labouring jobs and this kind of thing.
He once got a management job but he had to give it up because he couldn’t
read, which was very sad. We all
felt really sorry for him. I was
only 7 at the time but I always remember my mother saying oh dear.
So that was all quite sad. Eldest
brother was abusive to myself, my youngest sister and I believe my other 2 sisters
too but we don’t talk about it whereas my youngest sister will.
H:
In what sense abusive?
P:
Sexually abusive. Not over
a long period of time. About
2 years ago my youngest sister decided that she wanted to talk to him about
it and said would I be there. So
I said all right then. So we got
him sat down and gave him a few drinks and then she said “why did you used to
do it to us?” And he said “Oh I
thought that all the brothers did it.
My mate Jack used to do it with his twin sister.
It’s great. I get into bed
at night and it’s great. Why don’t
you do it?” So he said that he
thought it was normal. I mean I
don’t bear him any grudge. I mean
he now has had a brain operation – I don’t know whether it was a lobotomy or a leucotomy – but I can remember going to see him in a hospital
in Leeds and he had it when he was in his early 20’s and all his head was shaved.
It was something at the front here.
The nerves had been severed.
H:
What was the reason for it?
P:
I am not sure. It was either
because he was obsessive. He used
to have massively obsessive tendencies… and has been on drugs ever since.
He has never had a relationship.
He has always lived on his own.
He has hardly ever worked. Terrible.
It was the worst thing that ever happened to him.
H:
So he must have been a very disturbed boy growing up.
P:
Yes, well one of the things my mother used to say is that he always wanted
a taller father. He wanted a father
he could look up to and he didn’t like the fact that his dad was illiterate.
He found that really hard to deal with.
H:
So what age were you when you were abused by him?
P:
Probably on and off for a couple of years.
There was nothing ever violent or evil about it.
It is one of those things. When
you are little you kind of don’t really know what is happening.
You think do I go along with this one, oh well he is doing it with my
other sisters. Because all the
girls all had the one big bedroom. I
mean I don’t think I was really disturbed by it at all.
But then again maybe I am and I was and I don’t realise it.
I have never thought of myself as an unbalanced person. Maybe I am I don’t know.
I have always thought that I was fairly strong.
What is interesting about that is that my mother said that when I came
out of the hospital, that before I went in, when I was little, I didn’t have
a stammer. But when I came out
of the hospital I did have. I have
got rid of the stammer now 90 per cent.
I still have a little bit of a one when I feel stressful.
H:
What age were you when you got the stammer?
P:
Two. I got rid of it about
18 months ago. But I had the stammer
for 50 years. I don’t know on the
range of 1 to 10 where you would put it.
Personally I would put it around 8 or 7.
Maybe another person would have it at 5.
I don’t know.
H:
You have a remnant of it now?
P:
Yes I do have a remnant of it.
In some situations it is very marked.
Do you remember a little while ago I was saying “jealous” and I couldn’t
get the “J” out. Hard consonants
are often difficult.
H:
What about relationships with men?
M:
My first relationship – married about 4 years.
Very nice, had a nice time. I
don’t really know why we split up but we did.
We were quite young and what with one thing and another.
Then met another guy who I stayed with for 14 years.
He was abusive and violent towards me.
I left him about 4 times and went to stay with either my mum, my niece
or sister. He would always ring
up and say “Oh I love you.
I’ll never do it again. I
am sorry.” And you know one thing or another and me like a fool went home.
The reason I stayed was because I had two daughters who were both at
school, who were happy at school. I
didn’t know where I could go and take them with me.
So I had told them that when the youngest was 16 and had left school
that I would be splitting the home up and that I would be leaving.
But what happened before that when my daughter was 14 was that she came
home one night, unexpectedly, and my ex-partner had a knife in his hand
and he was saying you will do that, or you won’t do that, or something
and she said to me don’t stay on my account I can’t stand it.
So within a week I had packed up and come down to London where I had
a relative.
H:
You left the children?
P:
The eldest one was at college and it was the youngest one who wanted
me to go. I went to London after
making arrangements for the youngest one – which auntie she was going to stay
with and look after her because she didn’t want to stay with her father. And she will not speak to her father, write to him or do anything.
She is actually at the moment taking counselling.
Me and her live next door to each other.
We are not having a good relationship at the moment.
Myself and my eldest daughter, who lives in Hackney, have a fine relationship.
That is no problem. But
my younger daughter and myself are actually working on our relationship because
it is just not going well. I have
had a partner since being in London – it used to be sexual partner but now he
is a very good friend – and he is often at my flat and my daughter doesn’t like
that one little bit and she thinks I ought to be alone more often.
They don’t get on at all and it is all in all very difficult.
H:
Tell me more about the stammering, how it affected you?
P:
I can remember being in school and reading something in French and because
it was in French it was ok because I was actually myself so I didn’t really
stammer when I read this passage and my teacher said “Bien lu, , bien lu!” and
I was so proud. It was because
I wasn’t reading English and all the things that went with it.
It is something which really stands out. Another thing which stands out is going to speech therapists
and they take hold of your tongue and pull it out to find out whether or not
you are tongue tied. That used
to really hurt. I can remember
reading a lot of poetry: “Do you remember an inn, Miranda, do you remember an
inn.” I used to have to read that
a lot. But nothing seemed to help.
I used to hide from so many situations.
I would never go into so many situations.
I would hate the thought of a dinner party.
Having to talk to a person when other people might be listening and I
would be showing myself up because I would be stuttering and I couldn’t get
my words out and I would look like a fool.
H:
So how did you cure it?
P:
Two things. A friend of
mine said why don’t you really really stutter on the words that you find really
difficult like P’s and S’s and T’s and just stutter and stutter as badly as
you can. Because I would always
avoid those words or I would swallow the consonant.
I would just not do it. He
had talked about it with me for a while and I found it really good because it
was something that I could never talk about to anyone.
I would never ever mention the fact that I stuttered although I knew
I did and everyone else did. It
was one of those things which I never talked about.
But he would make me talk about it.
And he would say “I think it is charming your stutter,. I think it is
really nice.” And I found that
really good so I could talk about it then.
The other aspect was that I joined a singing group where you had to sing
on your own and that helped as well. I actually took it on board to do things
about it and I got over it 90 per cent.
H:
But the profound effect it had on you was that you hid it.
P:
Oh yes, constantly, constantly.
H:
And so you hid away from almost everything as a result?
P:
Yes totally. I never joined
any groups or classes where I thought I might be in a situation where I would
have to stand up and speak on my own.
Just avoided them like the plague.
I always wanted to join political rallies and meetings and things like
that but I daren’t because I thought I might be asked to speak.
But I wanted to speak, I thought it must be so brilliant just to stand
there and say what you think. And
I could never do that. But I always
thought that I would have been really good at it. There were just loads and loads of things over the years which
I never joined.
H:
So it had a very limiting effect on your life.
P:
Very limiting. Although
I always worked. I was in the civil
service for years.
H:
But you avoided any situation where they would discover the stammer.
P:
Yes.
H:
You didn’t want to be discovered?
P:
No. Well it was evident
that I stuttered but I would always avoid using the telephone at all costs. I would go to great lengths to ask another clerk or I would
use the telephone when there was noone else in the room. I would do it at lunch time.
I would make my official business calls at lunch time.
The civil service was a very warm environment where I could get away
with murder so to speak and if I had phone calls to make to clients I would
make them at lunch time when other people weren’t around.
H:
So you were having to hide all the time.
P:
Yes, yes.
H:
But in your family you were well nurtured?
They didn’t mind?
P:
No, no. I have no memories.
I have no bad memories. It
was outside the family where I used to feel very stressed and very nervous.
H:
And how was it with your
second husband?
P:
I didn’t speak to him much actually because we down-spiralled into this
relationship where he would be lecturing me on how stupid I was or how thick
I was or how this or that I was and I would just sit there.
I would think to myself well, there is a little bit of myself right inside
me that you will never get hold of so you can say what the hell you like because
it doesn’t effect me whatsoever. And
I would sit there mute for what, half an hour, 15 or 20 minutes at a time and
I just refused to speak. Refused
to speak. And that went on for about a decade. I was frightened of him. He used to say things like “I’ll swing
for you. You leave me and you will
never walk again.”
I mean you don’t answer back when someone is saying things like that
to you. I just thought when my
youngest is sixteen I’m off. I
have been here 8 or 10 years or
12 years so I have only got another 3 to go.
That was my rationale.
H:
And so did you hide this as well from your family?
P:
Oh I tried to.
H:
So the hiding became an entire imprint.
You tried to hide all of this abuse from everyone.
So your entire life-process was a matter of hiding away everything that
you didn’t want to look at.
P:
Yes.
H:
What did you feel?
P:
Shame I think.
H:
And who did you speak to in the family about what was going on in your
marriage?
P:
My younger sister knew,
but I hid it from my mother, I was ashamed.
H:
Did he beat you?
P:
Yes.
H:
So he was physically violent as well as verbally violent.
P:
Yes, yes. So sometimes the
family did know because I might have a black eye.
So sometimes they did know and I did leave him a couple of times and
go to the family. But I would never
ever tell them the full extent of what was going on.
I would just say something like we had a fight or we had an argument
and I have got to get away for a while or something.
I would never ever say the full story.
H:
Did you go through tremendous anger after you left him about the whole
thing, after being in such a situation?
P:
No.
H:
So you haven’t felt any anger about any of this?
P:
No, not really. I find it
really difficult to express “me”.
H:
Because when someone is being abused like that it is very normal to get
very angry about it.
P:
Yes, I have tried but it hasn’t really worked.
H:
Because you don’t feel any anger?
P:
No.
H:
So what do you feel about it?
P:
I feel very sorry for him.
H:
But when you came out of the situation, what did you feel?
P:
Relief. Utter relief.
H:
Do you talk to friends about this?
P:
I don’t find it hard now because this is a therapy situation but with
friends I never tell them anything actually.
I never tell anybody anything.
H:
You never tell them anything about your stammer or your background?
P:
I can talk about my stammer now but in the past I would never even mention
it even though I was stammering. You
mention this and you are dead.
H:
So if someone attacked you about the stammering would you attack back
or would you just withdraw?
P:
I would withdraw.
H:
So it was a constant exercise in withdrawal and hiding.
P:
Yes, yes.
H:
So that means that with your friends there is not much intimacy?
Do you have close friends?
P:
I do have close friends.
H:
But you don’t speak about yourself?
P:
No, not very much. But I
do have some very good friends and they speak about themselves and they find
me a very good listener. They really
like me and they always invite me to wherever they are going and this kind of
thing. But no I don’t open up ever
I would say.
H:
Why is that?
P:
I don’t know.
H:
So hiding became an art?
P:
Yes but I sometimes wonder, I know there is some kind of not disease,
but some medical condition where people don’t show feelings and it affects women
more than it affects men. I can’t
remember what it is called.
H:
Is it a form of autism?
P:
Is it a form of autism? Because
I once read in the local evening paper that children with Downs Syndrome
- my mother was married at 30 and then had six children and I am the
second youngest, so she had me in her forties.
And I once read when I was a teenager in the evening paper that children
with Downs syndrome have only got one line across their hand.
Now people with a stutter -
or at least me with my stutter, my voice was often very high pitched.
I was unable to control the sound that came out and it often was high
pitched. And Downs Syndrome people
often have this high pitched thing and also I will have to tell you this story
because it is a bit amazing. I
was once in Mysteries Bookshop and I was looking up a book on palmistry about
why I only have one line across my hands
and I found this ultimately after much searching.
I found this book. As I
was reading this there was this Downs Syndrome woman of at least 30 stroking
my leg in the corner of the bookshop and I just found that so weird.
So I don’t know whether there is a connection.
You said Autism. I said
Downs Syndrome. I read about this
line – the Simian line – and I used to think I was very near Downs Syndrome
anyway – I used to think well have I just been really lucky that I wasn’t born
Downs Syndrome. I think I have
thought that ever since I was a teenager – because my voice was high pitched
and I stuttered.
H:
And are you decisive?
P:
I am in my own life in what I do with my own life and in what I want
to do. But I am absolutely hopeless
in relationships. Hopeless in deciding
what is best in a relationship in an intimate relationships?
H:
In what sense hopeless?
P:
About being honest and open and saying what I mean and what I think.
And what I think what ought to happen.
I always let other people lead.
In my own life I can make my own decisions and do what I like and I do
get on and go forward…….. I can get hassled but then I think nothing affects
me anyway. I think I am really
tough and that I have a little star inside that nobody can touch.
And that is me, nothing else is really me but that is.
But I think I have used it as a ploy
as well in order to get through life.
You know, you are not really touching me because that is me.
The rest of me isn’t me. But
the rest of me is me as well. I have often thought that I should go to assertiveness
classes. I never shout, I never
swear, I never get angry at anyone. I
never have done.
H:
You don’t even feel anger?
P:
No, not often. Except I did just before I got the Cancer in that situation
with the director. I actually felt
it then which was fairly unusual for me.
I think I do feel it a little bit but I will burst into song or something
just to get over that moment. I
will start singing or something. I
am just so scared of the confrontation.
Just so scared of it.
H:
What scares you?
P:
Sometimes I think that I won’t know – I always feel that the other person
is verbally stronger and they have the better argument.
They can say better things than I can.
They can put their case better than I can. It is because I have never had the practice at it.
I have got no practice whatsoever of confrontation.
So I avoid any form of confrontation like the plague, even now.
H:
And your stutter has basically reinforced that one hundred per cent for
years.
P:
Oh yes. I am sure that that
started it. And then being abused
made me feel ashamed of myself and who my partner was and one thing and another,
my life style.
H:
Do you have any recurring dreams?
P:
I have a recurring dream about a house with a kind of a hidden room.
And oddly enough recently anyway I was in the house and it was different.
There was something different about the room.
I don’t know whether it was that the room wasn’t there or whether it
was that the room was different. But
there was definitely something different about the room and this recurring dream
(this occurred after the Sanguis soricis )
I’ve had for years and years and years.
It has always been the same one, there has been this house with a beautiful
stream at the back but there has been this secret room that I haven’t been using.
But recently I don’t know why I had the dream and I was in the house
but it was different but I can’t remember what was different about it.
H:
Any other dreams?
P:
That is the only recurring dream I know of.
H:
Any nightmares?
P:
I had nightmares when I was 16 and I was screaming my head off, they
were about a hair grip or something and I was jumping up and down on the bed
screaming “It’s alive, it’s alive, it’s alive.
It’s getting me.” and
I had to get some sleeping tablets from the doctor.
Then I was all right.
My colleague and
I discussed the case, and though we used the photographic technology (see article
in last Homeopath) to test whether Sanguis soricis was good enough, it was not
quite clear enough, though I suspect it would have worked well. The only contraindication
against this remedy was the fact that not only had that initial burst of energy
from the remedy caused her to review her entire state of being but the reoccurring
dream of the hidden room in the house had now changed indicating a change in
her state towards another possible remedy. My colleague’s perspective of the
entire case was radically different to my original overview and concentrated
more towards a perspective of an autistic response to her situation.
In her opinion,
the unusual reactions to violence and abuse , the unusual responses of little
or no anger, singing when confronted with any violent situations,
hiding herself to an inordinate degree in case she showed herself up,
and taking up the posture of a cocoon withdrawn like existence in the face of
terrible abuse together with her stuttering disability seemed to indicate an
unusual analysis that might fall into Scholten’s speculative materia medica.
It seemed like
a sort of autistic state similar to Helium yet different, we decided that it
was more akin to Neon which do not like to enter into relationships, in Sherr’s
proving we see the theme of withdrawal and not to share their experiences.
The technology
does not help in finding remedies, it will just point out how wrong one is,
in testing out potential remedies.
We were not totally happy with the prescription and the patient’s photograph
on holding Neon was not as clear as we would have wanted, but for want of any
other remedy coming through, we decided, based on the above elements of the
case, to give:
Rx: Neon 200 bd for 3 days
2nd Appointment - 12.2.00
P:
Felt elated after the last session - went home elated and chuffed.
Then got pains in my right breast that night.
Then started to take the remedy and the pains got worse. By Monday morning the pain had subsided.
The pain was where the operation had been.
Clinic told me that it was the healing process.
My stutter came
back with a vengeance after the remedy.
I gave an incredibly
amount of abuse to two people I
am close to. Would normally never
do this. Very unlike me to be so
aggressive. I had to apologise
to both of them afterwards.
My stutter was
there for about a week.
Did have a dream
about the house again. It was a
different house - everything was different.
Feel fine most
of the time. Gone back to work
part-time. Doing Tai Chi every
week.
Some stabbing pains
in my other breast (left) - want to ignore it - feel a bit ostrich like about
it.
My sister is on
her 4th recurrence with breast Cancer.
Still find it very
difficult to express any emotion to others.
Haven’t done for years.
Doing adult literacy
training course - it is going well but I was very embarrassed during the class
which went back to the time I had the bad stutter.
Though the remedy had acted it still did
not seem close enough, which was confirmed by the technology. In reviewing the
case at the second appointment, I recalled a case in Homeopathic Links vol 6
1993 by F Swoboda relating to the remedy Bovista in which he highlights two
strange symptoms found in the Synthetic Repertory:
Truth tells the plain
Loquacity open-hearted.
He comments ‘This has to be explained. To
tell the truth is obviously such a rare feature, that only four remedies are
given under this heading. Indeed it is peculiar how Bovista patients lead you
to this rubric. eg when I met a lady with heavy fibroid bleedings for the first
time, she told everything about her sexual relationship and her attitude of
changing partners. lt was no problem for her to talk about these very personal
matters. As if it was something everybody should know about. There was no proudness,
nor timidity, no " I do not know if I should tell you”. No "How does
he think about me afterwards". She said " to say my ideas feelings
and thoughts has cost me a whole lot of money already". She says what she
thinks ‑the truth. Not in an offending way as perhaps Hyos or Tarantula
might. It differs also from the truth we find in Veratrum. In the latter it
is the truth about the whole world what all the deep secrets of mankind really
hide. This is totally different from Bovista
which just means the truth about himself. It is just open heartedness
regarding very personal matters.’
The quality our patient had was not so much
autistic as naïve, and open hearted; she seemed guileless, and even childish
in her own attitudes towards the world. This was especially apparent in the
way she talked of her brother’s “abuse” of herself and her sisters.
The whole story was told in a very innocent and unashamed manner.
Normally, when a patient talks of such an episode there is hesitation,
shame and some difficulty in talking.
There was none in our patient.
This is what my colleague picked up on and found strange but had interpreted
this as in some way “autistic”. It
is an interesting paradox that our patient has hidden for large parts of her
life and hidden her own feelings from others and yet remains so open-hearted
and truthful about herself. Also
Bovista is in italics under stammering so we gave her
Rx: Bovista 200 bd for 3 days
3rd Appointment - 18.3.00
(Patient arrived at the session wearing a bright red cape)
P: The last remedy
made me cry and cry. Made me feel
sexually aroused and I felt very powerful across the chest.
Sexual arousal stayed for about 2 weeks.
The tears were just for a few days.
Realised that it
was me, being weak in a lot of situations - that was what the tears were about.
But felt very big and powerful in chest area and that has remained to
a certain extent. Feel more powerful
and more able to command my own space.
Not used to that. Felt stronger. Had a moment of
awkwardness in class when I went red.
Had 3 dreams of
my ex-partner which was very strange:
We are by the side
of a river looking out. A person
is stroking me very gently. It
is then that I realise it is my ex-partner.
Then another dream
where my ex-partner and a friend - they are in a glass-walled room and they
are rolling cigarettes. I am sitting
in the middle of them.
A third dream:
My ex-partner has left a message for me on the answerphone.
Perhaps I feel
more compassion towards him now and more compassion towards myself.
Doing part time
care-taking manager of the bookshop. It
is such fun. Before it was so stressful.
I can assert myself a little bit.
Before I didn’t feel worthy enough.
Bought a red cape!!
Conflict with younger
daughter has reduced.
My friend has been
a lot calmer.
I taped myself
with a friend. Used to think he
was very assertive but now realise that it was me being weak and not able to
assert my emotions.
Have had some sweating
on forehead and hands - which was unusual.
In day time around the scalp area.
Wasn’t because I was stressed or working hard.
Sleep patterns
are varying. Often I am waking
at 5am.
4th Appointment
Three months later - 28.6.00
I have been fine.
Everything is fine.
Have remained more
assertive. Handled a confrontation
with a neighbour very well recently. Before I would have been apologetic with her.
This time I said “If you are going to shout and swear and get angry then
I am leaving!”
There has been
a massive increase in my confidence and I am calmer.
Doing part time
work (although it is four days a week). The only trap I fall into is working too hard.
But it is better.
A bit more detached
with daughers. Relationship with
my semi-partner is better. Daughters are not hassling me about him.
Sleep - still waking
at 5 am sometimes but don’t feel tired from it.
Sweating a bit
more. Feel that I have heated up
since the remedy especially when I am out and about. More in day time.
Diet has changed
over the last month. Have given
up all dairy foods and feel marvellous for it. Also have given up chocolate completely.
Finished adult
literacy course and passed the course.
Am looking to do some teaching in September when I have more time.
Don’t bother much
about the stutter. Don’t even think
about it.
The remedy was
found to be needed after three months in IM potency.
Rx: Bovista 1M CSD
I rung her some three months later and to date remains
well and full of confidence.
What is extraordinary
about this reaction was the way that the patient expanded into herself as though
the remedy compensated for her hidden ego, a sliver of what she could become,
and acted on her sense of being by expanding and amplifying this state, reflected
in the one of the primary delusions that this remedy has that of being enlarged!!!
Or swollen as though she regained stature after so much time being hidden in
herself.
The question I
can never answer with satisfaction is, whether Bovista would have acted at the
first visit, though I frankly doubt it. Bovista from this case shows an honesty
and open-heartedness which is based on a qualitative flavour and during her
first visit I found her not to be so open though that flavour of honesty has
been there throughout the case. Nevertheless it may have needed a profound opening
that only Rat’s Blood could have provided for the open-heartedness of Bovista
to show itself with such clarity.